Positive news stories about U2

Ok, seems there's been a bit of negativity in the building recently about our heroes on here, so I - and I don't think I'm alone in this sentiment- would like to inject some positivity.

U2 manager Paul McGuinness caused shockwaves to reverberate around Dublin today, with the first acknowledgement from inside the official band camp that there may be truth to rumours of U2 'stigmata'.

Nobody can say for sure where the rumoured incidents first appeared, but Principle insiders say that the bleeding wounds may be the first physical 'manifestation' of the band's new spiritual sway among music fans.

McGuinness, previously a sceptic around matters of religious stigmata, abruptly changed his tune this week, and is now insisting that Irish church authorities should 'closely examine' the claims.

"Is Bono a prophet? I leave for you to judge, when I tell you that No Line On The Horizon has already reached more willing ears than the early gospels had in a comparable period of time after the event."

U2 Claw To Help Maintain Order In Disintegrating Clarence City Southern Provinces

U2 consigliere 'Guy' Oseary said that 'extreme measures' were on the table to deal with recent outbreaks of civil disorder, 'dancing sickness' and rage flu in the troubled southern regions.

The U2 Claw, assigned to peacekeeping work in the Congo since 2011's record breaking U2:360 world campaign, is capable of singlehandedly (geddit) restoring order to even the most confused situations, an insider revealed.

The disorder reportedly broke out after Clarence City governor-emeritus Paul McGuinness missed his birthday parade and march-past for the first time in over thirty years, leading to suspicions that he is quite simply, dead.

Larry Mullen Polishing Motorcycle, Scowling: Sources

According to insiders, the U2 drummer likes to polish his vintage Harley in absolute silence, in the square of the village he bought for himself some years ago. Not even the peeping of a bird is permitted, after the drummer's highly successful 'kill a sparrow' campaign of 2002 which enlisted the help of district schoolchildren.

The sparrows died, then the locusts came, but after cleaning the earth of all living plant matter, they passed on too in their turn. Now the Irish heartthrob, 53, relies on home cooked meals bussed in from the Clarence Hotel daily, the only interruption to his monastic routine.

Mullen, who once wept at the tomb of Elvis Presley, maintains a stoic scowl as he polishes his motorbike, one of several dozen in his private collection which is never driven except on Sundays.

Correction; Larry Mullen now sometimes rides his motorbikes on weekdays too.  Not all the time... ok, all the time. 

Where do i sign up for the fan club?

Here.

where do I sign up for the critics club?  also here?

Here, there and everywhere. 

I’ve heard from a source close to the band that the edge is going to give a press conference in the near future (venue and date still to be decided) about some huge issues that have threatened the legacy of the band. Press from around the world are expected to gather in anticipation of the huge event, where THE most important aspects of the band will be discussed:

1: the edge will tell us whether or not OS1 is a u2 album or a collaborative one with Brian eno.

2: he will also reveal whether or not the stage set-up at the sphere should be included in ANY discussions about u2 tour set designs.

3. He will finally reveal whether the 360 tour was really a 270 tour in disguise.

4. And regarding perhaps the most pressing issue, whether or not ‘fire’ was indeed part of the narrative arc of ‘shadows and tall trees’.

5. Paul McCartney is expected to address the world at the event also, detailing the fears and trepidation he felt on the eve of the Joshua tree release.

The edge has revealed that some band members have had difficulty sleeping at night because they feel so guilty that they have caused so much trauma among the fan base concerning these issues. An un-named member has been getting therapy in an attempt to come to terms with their guilt. The edge hopes people can move on with their lives after these issues have been addressed.

I think I speak for many here and look forward to getting some closure on these issues.

They might announce they are now the highest earning band of all time.

(wons had better have the man-sized tissues ready just in case.)

LARRY and the Lost Village of PRIMATES

Still recovering from his recent back surgery, U2's HITMAN aka Larry Mullen Jnr has been quite busy training a troop of monkeys to polish his vast motor bike collection.  The troop of monkeys are the only other (living) inhabitants of Larry's private village.  After the sparrows died off,  the monkeys have been feeding on street urchins who are imported into the private village for sustenance. 

Rumor has it the monkeys will rip the faces off of the street urchins and eat their brains while they are still alive.  After eating their brains they would then dismember (or disembowel) the street urchins and use their various appendages as weapons against each other in a playful yet bloody exercise routine. 

Mullen was said to have been so impressed with the monkeys' abilities in street urchin combat that he was able to train a few of the artfully inspired members of the troop to play drums with the street urchins' bloody appendages.  While the monkeys aren't exactly skilled drummers, Mullen allegedly had considered early on letting them play a song in his absence during the recent Achtung Baby shows at the Las Vegas Sphere - an ironic twist to the album's 'Zoo Tv' tour from the early 1990s.

While this idea may have been shot down for logistical and insurance purposes - not to mention the potential lawsuits that would have certainly been filed by PETA - the superstar drummer remains hopeful that at least one song from the upcoming (and often delayed) U2 "rock album" will feature the monkeys playing drums.  At this time we are not sure which song that might be,  or if street urchins' appendages will be used in any type of recording.

A source close to the band who spoke on the condition of anonymity said "I would rather watch monkeys fling their own poo at the audience than listen to another one of Bono's verbal diarrhea rants during the concert!"

The band was currently recording and unavailable for comment.

RELATED:  PETA investigating death of Clarence City sparrows.

U2 dead at 102: 'It's what they would have wanted'

U2 dead at 102: 'It's what they would have wanted'

U2 praised by liberals and conservatives alike for holding the line against the rising liberal/conservative tide.

No wait. That was the Pope, wasn't it.

"U2 have called it quits."

That would be positive.

"U2 have called it quits and Paul Hewson aka Bono is retiring from all aspects of public life.  Forever."

That would be euphoric.