Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo

Now don't tell me, I've nothin' to do

Sitting at a stop light on 56th and Portland,  not a care in the world and still not sure how i arrived here at this point in time?  To the left of me the Landmark Towers reach up towards the clouds,  to the right a hospital sits behind a bus stop.  In the lane next to me is a throwback to the 1980s - a silver DeLorean with dark tinted windows.  The windows are cracked just a bit to reveal a mysterious haze escaping from inside of the car.  And then my ears pick up the faint exotic sounds of a song i have been desperately trying to identify for quite some time...those soft island chants before the epic typhoon chorus...

In an instant the traffic signal has turned green and the silver DeLorean and its mysterious driver have disappeared.  Back to my right i see a fire truck is parked in the hospital parking lot,  and two firemen are playing a game of keep away with a prosthetic leg from an Indian man sitting at the bus stop.  A beautiful wolf is barking at the firemen as it leaps up for the leg while the men playfully toss it back and forth.

3 MONTHS EARLIER

Its a calm and breezy morning as i take my walk around the neighborhood and through the park.  The birds are singing and there's even a rooster crowing as i stroll the lazy sidewalk through the rotary park.  I notice an Indian man sitting on the park bench in a powder blue leisure suit,  he is quite big in stature with a long silver mane and bronze skin.  Next to him is the most beautiful dog i have seen in my entire life.  The dog is a Siberian Husky,  silver in color,  with a golden eye and a blue one.  I pass by the gentleman and his dog and we exchange pleasantries as i go on my way.  The dog is alert to my presence - never once letting me out of his or her sight.

This daily ritual plays out mostly the same morning after morning and eventually i introduce myself to the gentleman and learn that his name is Billy and Carol Anne is his beautiful canine companion.  One morning i notice that Billy was on a different bench and he was drinking something concealed in a paper bag.  I stop to chat with him and a fire truck slowly rolls by on the neighborhood streets.  As the truck passes by it gives a short blast of the horn and the passenger waves,  Billy returns the wave and gives a playful middle finger to the firemen.  He then looks at me and explains that he is a retired firefighter and those were his brothers. 

I asked Billy of his time with the fire department - had anything really stayed with him or haunted him?  He looked down and reached into his leisure suit pocked and pulled out a home grown tomato and began to eat it,  tomato juice running down his his chin and dripping onto his powder blue suit.  He looked thoughtful for a bit as he chewed on the tomato.  He then proceeded to tell me about a kid who used to ride a bicycle up to the fire station many moons ago.  The kid was a bit of an outcast,  bullied by his classmates,  but seemed genuinely interested in firefighting.  But there was something wrong with this kid apparently.  He killed small animals,  rabbits,  with his bare hands.  Eventually he began to play with matches,  and sadly he started a fire in his home one night while his family was asleep - they all perished. 

He chased the tomato with a gulp of whiskey from the bottle in the paper bag and then rolled up one of the pants legs of his leisure suit to reveal that he had a prosthetic leg.  He then began to remove his prosthetic leg from just below his knee.  He banged the leg on the bench as if to shake the dust off of it,  then sat it on the bench next to him while rubbing his stump.  As he noticed the horrified expression on my face he simply smiled and said "Diabetes".

He reached down and lovingly rubbed Carol Anne on the back of her neck as she squinted through those gorgeous blue and gold glowing eyes.  Then his demeanor turned abruptly serious as if his very life depending on giving me a message "i am old and nothing i have seen or done compares to what the future has in store.  I am blind in one eye and drunk in the other,  but even i can see what is on the horizon.  You will need two good eyes to escape the coming darkness" 

After a restless and sleepless night the next day i went out for my morning walk anxious to ask more questions of Billy about the ominous future that he spoke of.  As fate would have it,  neither Billy or Carol Anne were in the park that morning,  or any morning after that.  The only evidence of his existence was a fresh home grown tomato sitting on the bench he once occupied.  And on the bench a simple inscription carved the word "RUN"


PRESENT DAY

Back at the traffic signal i am sitting in my car watching the two firemen tossing Billy's prosthetic leg back and forth.  Finally Carol Anne jumps up and scores the prosthetic leg to the cheers of the firemen.  Billy then calls out to his companion from the bus stop "RUN TO THE LIGHT CAROL ANNE!"

A large metro transit bus pulls up to the bus stop to my right.  For a few moments the bus stays parked at this stop while people exit the bus,  and then it slowly pulls away.  Once the bus has pulled away Billy and Carol Anne are nowhere in sight.  Even the fire truck in the parking lot and the firemen are gone as well.

But as i squint to see i clearly make out a wrinkled up paper bag sitting on the bench at the bus stop with a bottle of whiskey in it.   

So they got on the bus?  Reminds me of the old fellow in Ghost World, forever waiting for the bus that didn't come anymore... until one evening it did.

So they got on the bus?  Reminds me of the old fellow in Ghost World, forever waiting for the bus that didn't come anymore... until one evening it did.

Im not sure they made it on the bus - in fact i doubt very seriously they did.  Keep in mind the dog named Carol Anne is the same name of the little girl in the movie 'Poltergeist'. 

Oh is it now?  I did not catch that... I don't believe I've ever seen Poltergeist, although obviously like everyone I heard about it, around the time all those movies like the Amityville Horror and The Exorcist etc were spawning sequels.

So they got on the bus?  Reminds me of the old fellow in Ghost World, forever waiting for the bus that didn't come anymore... until one evening it did.

Get out of the fucking car

A gorgeous blue sky hangs overhead while dozens of clouds slowly pass by in various shapes and sizes.  The majestic mountain sits among some of these clouds and serves as the jewel on the horizon.  A man walks down the mountain road,  stumbling and suffering from some kind of trauma.  The mans clothes are battered and torn,  his hair disheveled,  and his face is covered in blood that has dried under the sun.  He speaks incoherently to himself and to his ghosts as he does his best to navigate the downhill grade of the mountain road.   He does not know why he is here or where he is going,  nor from where he has come. 


THE PREVIOUS NIGHT

Dusk - below the majestic mountain i see the welcome sign of a hotel vacancy at the foot of the long journey up the mountain.  I decide this rustic log Inn would be the perfect place to relax for the evening and continue on my journey in the morning.  After checking in for the night i gather my belongings from the company car and go to my assigned room.  Once i open the door i am surprised to see a half dozen or so late teen or early adult males sitting around the room drinking and behaving like guys of a certain age often do. 

I look at my key and again at the room number on the door,  assuming there must be some kind of mistake at the hotel desk,  but the numbers match.   I am greeted somewhat by surprise but once the young men realize who i am they immediately offer me one of their beverages from an ice chest and ask me to join them,  eager to hear stories from someone like myself.  I look around the room and see my own reflection in most of their eyes - i could have been any one of these kids at one point in time - in fact i probably was.  I respectfully decline their offer and excuse myself to try and find another room for the evening.

At the hotel desk the Asian gentleman gives me another room key and apologizes for the inconvenience of the other room (i was careful not to rat the boys out,  just told him i wanted a different room facing other direction).  Upon arriving at the new room i open the door and was thankful to see the room was dark and quiet.  However after turning on the light i notice immediately two mountain lion cubs on the bed.  These are just babies - probably the size of a house cat or barely a few weeks old.  Their piercing blue eyes staring intently at my own,  they cry out for their mother from their place on the bed.  It occurs to me that there is likely a mother somewhere around....I decide that maybe this room is also not meant for me.

Once again i return to the hotel desk,  this time the Asian man is not around instead there is a younger girl probably around 20 years old who seems more interested in her mobile device than my needs or the needs of baby cougar cubs in the room i was given.  Finally she manages to break away from the phone long enough to ask me to come back with her to a sort of supply room which holds nothing but empty shelves and bunch of generic alarm clocks - probably 50 or 60 of them.  She asks me to choose a clock which is interesting because they all appear the same,  save for they are not all on the exact same time.  I reach out and choose once which seems to be ticking the loudest and hand it to her,  with that she turns and goes back to the hotel desk.

On the way out of the room i notice a faded sign on the wall which reads something to the effect of "Money can buy many things but happiness is not guaranteed.  A clock can give you time and it can also take time away from you - choose wisely"    Presumably that was a vintage advert for the alarm clock company....

She gives me a room key based on the number off of the clock that i had chosen and wishes me a good nights rest.  Finally settled back into the room i am about to lay down to sleep when i hear a faint knock on the door.  Upon answering the door i am shocked to see possibly two of the most beautiful young women i have ever laid eyes on;  one of them golden hair and riveting seagreen eyes and the other a brunette with jade eyes.  I have no idea the intentions of these mysterious visitors but they seem genuine enough,  they claim to be from management and offer me a free complimentary breakfast in the morning for my troubles. 

THE FOLLOWING DAY

Alarm clock rings like a rooster in my pillow.  In fact i thought it was an actual rooster the damn thing was so loud and obnoxious.  I must have hit it 10 times to get the snooze button to work and then fell back to sleep returning to dreams about angelic beauties on the farm in daisy duke shorts squirting each other with a water hose while be chased by a rooster.  Then i wake up with a jolt as sunlight has completely filled my room.  I had slept easily past the time i had wanted to get up,  so now im rushing around to get ready and restart my journey.

As i check out of the Mountain Inn the Asian man takes my key and waives the charge for the night,  however he is insistent that i keep the old alarm clock for some strange reason. 

I hop in the company car and take off up the mountain knowing i am easily an hour off of schedule.  As i climb the majestic mountain i am amazed that the beauty of the rock as the road slices through it.  Approaching the apex of the mountain its late sunrise and the clouds appear at eye level - i see a herd of gray elephants with pink bellies and orange trunks move on by,  then a lone shark,  possibly a whale shark,  followed by a smaller great white shark swim by.  The great white shark stops floating by me long enough to lock eyes with me and open its mouth and show its teeth - only its not possible for clouds to have teeth.

At this moment i turn my attention back to my travels and there standing in the road ahead is an adult Cougar and she is not moving.  As the company car rapidly approaches her she doesn't flinch.  I stand on the brakes immediately with all of my power and try to swerve to avoid hitting this beast.  Unfortunately i swerve just enough to run off of the road and over the cliff,  the car rolls and tumbles over the rocks and hills and trees before coming to a stop a hundred feet below, in a twisted heap of metal,  broken glass,  and smoke. 

DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

Stumbling down the mountain my body aches all over.  I am still not quite sure what has happened to me or why i am walking down this road.  The beautiful mountain begs to tell me her story and take me in as one of her own - but i keep on walking.  Eventually i come down to a bit of a valley where the road straightens out and up ahead there are a few buildings;  a couple of homes,  a general store / gas station,  and a small cafe. 

When i make it to the cafe i am absolutely exhausted.  The waitress notices me and comments on my condition but i assure her (i think) i am okay.  She offers me a glass of lemonade and lunch since i am obviously very hungry and thirsty.  After one of the best club sandwiches and homemade fries i have eaten,  plus more freshly squeezed lemonade,  the events of the day(s) are becoming more and more clear to me.  I recite them aloud as if to try and make sense of them,  but yet "I still don't know why i am here..."

A shadowy man in the corner of the cafe was listening to me,  i had not even noticed him before,  but he stood up and put his cigar out in the ashtray and walked by me.  I could barely make out a description of him but he was tall and somewhat creepy - very creepy in fact.  His very presence gave me goosebumps,  and his voice cracked like the rocks of the earth beneath us. 

"Its obvious why you are still here...." he said slapping a wooden cane on the floor of the cafe,  his angular face still obscured by shadows "those two Angels pulled you out of the car and walked down the mountain with you.  They carried you part of the way.  In fact they are waiting outside for you this very minute.....make no mistake friend....you are only here because it wasn't your TIME....otherwise i would have pulled you out of the car"

And with that the mysterious shadowy man disappeared ...

Doctor Kilroy or How we learned to stop worrying and embrace the Wrath of God

A law professor has finished up a lecture when a student asked the question "Should the government pay reparations to Native Americans?"  This question prompted a knee jerk reaction from the professor,  who slammed his fist down on the podium immediately while belting out a defiant "NO!  Hell NO!" to the stunned auditorium.  As he scanned the surprised faces around the room - and you could have heard a pin drop - the professor sought to justify his outburst ever so slightly "we should pay reparations to the Dinosaurs......they were here first"


I first met Doctor Kilroy as a high school student working part time at a local grocery store in the latter part of the 1980s.  He often came in and bought groceries and i would carry them out to his car,  which was store policy back then.  He was a sharp dressed professional,  a lawyer and a professor,  his yuppie appearance and shiny new BMW a bit deceiving of his real persona.  As a youngster who had a passion for cars i was quick to strike up a conversation with him about his shiny BMW,  which he seemed to enjoy.

Years later after returning back to the college town with a shiny sports car of my own,  i bumped into Doctor Kilroy at a popular patio bar and noticed he seemed quite different.  He still had that same hairstyle of the 1980s which was oddly popular again,  however instead of the yuppie suit and tie with suspenders he wore a military dress jacket that looked to be from a thrift store and some olive drab pants and shirt not unlike what certain dictators might wear.  I only saw him briefly this time and was sure he did not recognize me.

Doctor Kilroy lived in a historical home near campus on a large wooded lot,  the home itself was gothic in appearance and the trees were abundant and the high fence and gates provided him all of the privacy that his lifestyle needed.  He had been fired from the University for various outbursts like the one mentioned previously and on various other occasions he would go off on controversial rants that were just too much for a major university in conservative America. 

For instance he often made claims such as "Noah defied God's divine will and kept the Dinosaurs from entering the Ark alongside the other animals".  Therefore,  by his assumption the great flood killed off the dinosaurs which was not Gods intent.  He also placed emphasis on the greatness of the dinosaurs in comparison to other species,  like the time he made national news with the following statement(s) "Dinosaurs have a larger penis than buffalos, Buffalos have a larger penis than Indians,  and Indians have a larger penis than white man.  Therefore, according to nature,  white man should now be extinct instead of the Dinosaurs"

With much spare time on his hand,  Doctor Kilroy began digging around the earth looking for dinosaur remains.  He would dig in unorthodox places like the university campus grounds,  the front yard of the university president,  even the park where the annual medieval fair would take place.  Eventually and after many clashes with the university and law enforcement he resigned to digging around his own property. 

One morning after digging extensively the previous night he found his treasure;  several skulls of what he thought were aliens and dinosaurs buried deep in the remains of his yard.  He took the skulls and loaded them up in his classic convertible corvette and drove off towards the university to visit an old friend and have them identified.  To his chagrin the skulls were not dinosaurs or aliens - instead they were a buffalo and two human skulls.  However it was his former colleague's opinion that the human skulls were Native Americans,  and that they all perished together,  perhaps while hunting? 

The distressed Doctor then set up an authentic teepee in front of his house and spent most of his time out in this teepee,  alone with the buffalo and Indian skulls.  He would often spend days out there with these skulls,  attempting to communicate with their spirits,  fueled by alcohol and other more natural substances.  One morning he had a bit of an Epiphany,  which led him to get into his classic convertible and drive off to an unknown destination.  Unfortunately he didn't make it very far as he crashed into a lemonade stand that was setup in the front yard of his neighbors house for their children.  Luckily the lemonade stand was not manned at 4am so nobody was hurt during the accident. 

After a stint in the country jail for his infractions,  it was a surprise to his native American cellmate - whom he had once unsuccessfully represented for a lesser charge - that the Doctor spoke his native language quite fluently.  The Doctor spoke of islands on the moon which he visited with the spirits.  Once you have visited the island you never look at the universe the same again.


One night recently i was walking through the old neighborhood after a night on the town.  As i passed by the Doctors home i noticed that he was sitting out by his front gate meditating over a small fire and several skulls.  He was wearing the military dress jacket complete with medals and ribbons and other fancy flourishes.  He also had a pair of odd colored sunglasses on his face and the trademark hairstyle. 

As we briefly spoke the Doctor mentioned that he was in direct communication with the spirits of the night.  He was drinking a concoction from the collection of skulls which gave him knowledge and insight.  He offered me a drink from the skulls and i declined.  But i was curious what it was the spirits had told him to keep him out of his home and maintaining a vigil out in the grass by the street.

He puffed away on his pipe and then removed his glasses revealing a weight and conviction to his message.  "God is angry however he is just.  His plan was subverted by man.  His vengeance will be appropriate and fantastic....and we are currently living in the age of a fantastic and just vengeance."

I walked on my way,  my mind dizzy from the night that had been and twirling around with the thoughts of the crazy doctors' rants.  I realized i had taken a wrong turn and now found myself on the street the natives used to say was "the land to avoid when it rains" otherwise know in the modern day as the infamous 'FLOOD' avenue.  A bit of irony perhaps....but i swear i could hear the lunatic laughing in the distance....right there where he's always been.