Adam and the monkey's Uncle

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Amor fati

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Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« on: April 07, 2024, 03:36:44 PM »
As legend would have it,  Adam was a successful attorney and newly elected Mayor of Martinsville,  home of the Martinsville IPA brewery.  Adam had reached middle age and decided to "settle down" with beautiful girlfriend Jenny as his trophy wife,  who was some 20 years younger than him. 

Life had been less kind to Uncle,  who at 50 years of age was pale in appearance with a sunken in face and bulging eyes.  Uncle worked night shift at the animal shelter in Martinsville.  Uncle was married to Consuelo,  a produce manager at the grocery store who also happened to be the town whore.  Consuelo was constantly putting ingredients into Uncles food that she knew he was allergic to in order to keep him under the weather.

Eventually Uncle caught on to what Consuelo was up to.  In a fit of rage he would remove a significant portion of her tongue with fingernail clippers - which heavily affected her speech.

Uncle's one claim to fame is that he was a gifted pastry chef over at the Martinsville Bakery on the weekends. 

Adam went to school with Uncle,  and as kids he (and others) used to bully Uncle.  With Adam and Jenny's wedding rapidly approaching,  Adam approached Uncle about baking them a beautiful wedding cake.  At first Uncle declined the offer,  having spent the last 30 years of his life trying to avoid the likes of Adam and his friends.  However after some heavy persuasion on Adam's part (as well as a bit of money) Uncle finally agreed to bake a beautiful wedding cake for Adam and Jenny's big day for all of Martinsville to enjoy.


Wedding day arrives and the church is full of Martinsville citizens wearing their best outfits for the wonderous occasion.  And then there was Uncle and Consuelo,  who both looked as if they had just shown up from a tropical fiesta.  Uncle looked like Beetlejuice,  Consuelo a tropical caged bird.  As the ceremony lumbered on,  the preacher got to the part where he asked if there were any objections to the union of Adam and Jenny.  Consuelo immediately stood up and voiced her objections;

"mmmbbb grrrvllllldddd rorororopppbbbbbbb mmmbbbbb grrrrrrbbb!"

Soon after the happy couple were married and it was time for the reception party!

The reception hall was filled with food and spirits and of course the centerpiece was a gigantic wedding cake made by Uncle at the Martinsville Bakery.  And the cake was a huge hit with everyone.  Adam was surrounded by his golf buddies,  drinking IPAs and checking out other ladies at the reception.  Jenny was surrounded by her socialite friends, gossiping about this and that.  Meanwhile Consuelo,  deciding she wanted another piece of cake,  approached the beautiful cake and went to grab some for her plate. 

About the time she was putting the cake on her plate she noticed something strange from the top portion of the cake,  or eye level to her.  A piece of the cake had fallen off and she noticed a pair of eyes staring at her from inside of the top tier of the cake.  A startled Consuelo froze as she locked eyes with whatever was lurking inside of the cake.  Then in an instant the eyes blinked,  and Consuelo screamed;

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" 

And she passed out onto the floor.  Some of the other quests tried to comfort her,  and about this time other guests noticed that the cake was shaking around.  And eventually the cake began to crumble as a Chimpanzee emerged from the crumbling cake.  The Chimpanzee began to jump up and down on the table,  flinging cake left and right,  all the while screaming

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  EEEEEEEEEEEEE  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEE!"

Uncle stood up in his purple suit and smiled from ear to ear,  all the while clapping so vigorously that his hands hurt,  however he could not have been more pleased with the wedding reception.

As the mayhem in the reception hall continued the Martinsville guests were forced to take cover from the excited Chimpanzee who began throwing other food when he ran out of cake,  and eventually the entire reception hall was demolished. 


A few months later Uncle would be admitted to the Martinsville Sanitarium after chasing his neighbors chickens with an axe (his neighbors did not have chickens).


Years later i went to the Sanitarium to visit Uncle.  He was in the common area of the hospital,  sitting in a corner to himself,  his eyes fixed in a open stare,  and his hands gently conducting an invisible orchestra. 

"Hello Uncle"  i would greet him,  to no response,  as he continued to conduct the invisible orchestra.

"Is there anything i can get for you Uncle?"  I asked him,  not really expecting any response.

But then his gaze intensified,  his hands stopped their movements,  and he finally turned towards me and whispered into my ear "cake"

"What was that,  Uncle?" 

His eyes grew ever more animated and he sort of sprang to life

"CAKE.....i want CAKE"

He then jumped up on the chair and began jumping up and down on the chair,  screaming uncontrollably;

"EEEEEEEEEE  EEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE"

Also he began flinging chair cushions around the common area.  At this point several other patients sitting in the room began to behave in the same manner,  jumping around on chairs and flinging cushions while screaming like rabid primates.

Eventually the staff of the Sanitarium would slowly file into the room and inject the belligerent patients with tranquilizers,  instantly shutting them down. 

Uncle had quietly sat back down on the chair,  his eyes glazed over,  and he was again conducting the invisible orchestra,  ever so delicately.

~=~


« Last Edit: April 08, 2024, 11:01:47 AM by Amor fati »



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laoghaire

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2024, 03:49:48 PM »
How’s your mom been?

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So Cruel

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2024, 07:54:37 PM »
I thought Rupert had cornered the market on these type of threads
Talk U2 2023 Awards

WINNER - THE ADAM CLAYTON WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO ON A BENDER WITH AWARD

WINNER - THE DAVID LEE ROTH BEST USE OF A MEME/GIF AWARD

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MPare1966

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2024, 08:10:34 PM »
Amor was a poet even before he was Phoenix Rising.
First Chair. Last Call.
©1966-2024
Presented by Vandelay Industries.
Management: Pendant Publishing.
All rights reserved.
Void where prohibited.
The information contained in this site is provided on an "as is" basis with no guarantees of completeness, accuracy, and usefulness.
Your mileage may vary.

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laoghaire

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2024, 08:12:47 PM »
Rupert does the headlines. Phoenix does the search for spirit animal in a smoke ceremony thing.

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Rupert Pupkin

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2024, 11:07:47 PM »
I always just assumed Adam was gay.

















Not that theres anything wrong with that!
"You've heard the expression 'the customer is always right'?  Well, here I am.  The customer."

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Rupert Pupkin

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2024, 11:09:35 PM »
And they all live in Martinsville, the company town that Chris Martin founded to house all his employees and their families.
"You've heard the expression 'the customer is always right'?  Well, here I am.  The customer."

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MPare1966

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2024, 11:38:17 PM »
I always just assumed Adam was gay.

















Not that theres anything wrong with that!

First Chair. Last Call.
©1966-2024
Presented by Vandelay Industries.
Management: Pendant Publishing.
All rights reserved.
Void where prohibited.
The information contained in this site is provided on an "as is" basis with no guarantees of completeness, accuracy, and usefulness.
Your mileage may vary.

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Rupert Pupkin

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2024, 02:17:22 AM »
are nobodys business but their own etc etc
"You've heard the expression 'the customer is always right'?  Well, here I am.  The customer."

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Amor fati

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2024, 08:15:40 AM »
How’s your mom been?

She's a woman in aviators firing a bazooka  8)



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laoghaire

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #10 on: April 08, 2024, 09:21:19 AM »

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walktothewater

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #11 on: April 08, 2024, 11:03:12 AM »
Rupert does the headlines. Phoenix does the search for spirit animal in a smoke ceremony thing.

Heh heh.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2024, 11:05:26 AM by walktothewater »

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Amor fati

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #12 on: April 08, 2024, 01:30:28 PM »
If we are being honest here i believe Rupert is the expert on Chimpanzee's around these parts.  He once had a monkey that traveled with him who allegedly ripped a person's face off for trying to sit next to them on the train.   



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Rupert Pupkin

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Re: Adam and the monkey's Uncle
« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2024, 07:32:52 PM »
Monkey Shines
"You've heard the expression 'the customer is always right'?  Well, here I am.  The customer."