It’s been five christmases since ShadowMac built this new home for us, and we are pleased to announce TalkU2 2.0, just in time for the next iteration of our favorite band!
First, we have to come clean - the bills are stacking up here and we need to improve revenues. Revenues were flat last year ($0) compared with the previous year ($0) while hosting costs have increased. As a result we are announcing an optional “Verified member” flag that you can add to your account for the low price of $8/month. We won’t actually verify your identity, but we will place a swanky blue U2 cockatoo next to your name in all forum posts.
Second, the number of people who are offended in the forum is increasing. We will therefore allow people to purchase a premium “offense free” membership for $19.99 monthly. For this price, our moderating team will work around the clock to scrub references to anything that might offend you. You will have the option of clicking on “offensive” posts and our patented U2AI software will progressively learn what you like and don’t like, and we will actively prevent you from seeing content that bothers you.
Third, for those of you who actually go out of your way to offend others for fun, we offer an “offend pass” for $29 per use. This bypasses the offense filter and allows you to offend premium members on a pay-per-use basis. You can even bypass their preferred gender pronouns with our patented “Shim” system for an extra $10 per use - discounts available for non-binary people who are offended by the simplistic use of the binary integers “1” and “0” in the pricing structure.
Fourth, happy Christmas. Oh, you wanted me to say happy holidays? You need to upgrade to the “offense free” membership (see above). If you want to get back at me for saying happy Christmas, you need the offend pass (see above)
Fifth, if you believed any of that, or if you think the other mods even knew I was posting this, we have a Brooklyn bridge U2 concert to sell you, for the handy price of $333.
Oh look, the numbers have fallen off the clock face.
Happy Christmas
Codeguy (He/Him/That fucker)
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