New Jokes

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Codeguy

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New Jokes
« on: March 27, 2019, 11:04:58 PM »
A Toast!

Lets raise a glass for my best friend, Jock!
Born with the curse of a corkscrew cock!

Poor chap spent his life in a fruitless hunt
Looking for a girl with a corkscrew cunt

When he finally found one, bastard dropped dead
The goddamn thing had a left hand thread!
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8645110320

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riffraff

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2019, 07:05:04 AM »
Don't you wonder why one "c" word is okay, and the other is not?
Just sayin'.
what you leave behind you don't miss anyway

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Codeguy

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2019, 08:34:06 AM »
Don't you wonder why one "c" word is okay, and the other is not?
Just sayin'.

I normally wouldn’t use either - but that joke makes me snort every time so I think it qualifies as an exception.

Germaine Greer has a great passage in female eunuch where she talks about the C word
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riffraff

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2019, 08:36:55 AM »
Don't you wonder why one "c" word is okay, and the other is not?
Just sayin'.

I normally wouldn’t use either - but that joke makes me snort every time so I think it qualifies as an exception.

Germaine Greer has a great passage in female eunuch where she talks about the C word
https://tenor.com/view/bb-big-brother-laugh-spit-gif-5917436
what you leave behind you don't miss anyway

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OnlyU2

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2019, 06:22:12 PM »
Here's a clean one for a change.  Thought it was quite cute.

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. 
When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill

Who's to say where the wind will take you

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an tha

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2019, 06:52:10 PM »
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

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an tha

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2019, 06:57:30 PM »
An old lady went to visit her dentist. She sat in the chair, lowered her knickers and raised her legs.

The dentist said "Excuse me but I'm not a gynaecologist."

"I know" replied the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out"

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riffraff

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2019, 08:14:29 PM »
Ah, an tha...you reminded me of an OLD one...

The husband asks his wife if they can have sex tonight, and she says "No, I have a doctor's appointment in the morning".
Husband says "You don't have a dentist appointment, do you?"
what you leave behind you don't miss anyway

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MPare1966

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2019, 10:15:15 PM »
Wife: I look fat!  :( Can you compliment me on something?

Husband: You have perfect eyesight.
First Chair. Last Call.

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guest401

Re: New Jokes
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2019, 06:50:46 AM »
have you seen the new divorced Barbie doll?

she comes with all of ken's stuff

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OnlyU2

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2019, 01:32:44 PM »
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
Who's to say where the wind will take you

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OnlyU2

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2019, 01:34:33 PM »
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you"
Who's to say where the wind will take you

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guest403

Re: New Jokes
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2019, 07:08:50 PM »
Women are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand.


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guest259

Re: New Jokes
« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2019, 07:20:56 PM »
Women are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand.


There was an old and even more un-PC joke "Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs".

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riffraff

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Re: New Jokes
« Reply #14 on: April 17, 2019, 07:10:56 AM »
Women are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand.


There was an old and even more un-PC joke "Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs".
VERY un-PC. Not even funny.
what you leave behind you don't miss anyway